The Scope of Fidelity

So is he cheating?

Hello, darlings, Vice here.

Bent and I had a discussion last night about what constitutes faithfulness or fidelity. We had this conversation because at  9 o'clock at night, a woman called me. She believes I'm having an affair with her husband.

It's the first time I've been accused of this, and I wasn't concerned when she threatened to tell Bent. In fact, I didn't feel any concern for myself; only for the man with whom I'm having "my affair".  Our affair consists of digital flirting. But--the most disturbing part of the flirting isn't the sexual innuendo. No. It was the burgeoning emotions, the friendship that had begun.

I'd told Bent about him before, naturally. So he wasn't caught off guard in the slightest. While not poly-amorous in the contemporary sense, I think we are all poly-amorous in the emotional sense. Bent understands this. My friend's wife--does not.

She didn't see that he loved her dearly. She didn't see that he's attracted to her. She didn't see that their serious lack of a sexual life was hurting him, hurting his ego and sense of self. She didn't see that he'd never want to lose her. She didn't see how happy he was, how invigorated he'd been feeling, and he gave it all to her and their kids.

No, she only saw the ugly parts. She chose to see the ugly parts. And we women love to be hurt. It's a sweet, double-edged sword we wield over our partner's head, forever. I know, because I've done it. Bent knows my buttons and has pushed them on occasion. It hurts. But there is a certain comfort in knowing that I am the hurting one, not him. I know I'm not leaving; I know I love him. So I have no fear of loss. While I process my hurt feelings, I am secure. This isn't true of the men.

They are on pins and needles, hoping against hope that this isn't the proverbial straw.

I make sure and reassure Bent that for us, there IS no straw. But due to his past, he still thinks there is.

So what constitutes cheating? Is it when part 1 enters part 0? Or is it the first time a person thinks to themselves; "Yes, I could do this?"


There are many, MANY articles, blogs and books on "Why Men Cheat." They all end with the same thing: There IS no excuse.

I beg to differ.

First, let's define our terms. I think the words are tricky. Cheating, unfaithful, etc. are all rather ambiguous. Especially if you aren't religious.  I see being unfaithful as this:

Living under a pretense.

If you tell your partner there will never be anyone else that you will fuck, then you fuck someone without telling your partner first about it, that, to me is cheating.

If you are in an unhappy marriage and you seek out true love while IN the marriage so your segue is smooth--that to me is cheating. I know; I've done it.

But what else is cheating?

I think that when you marry under the pretense that you will commit to the marriage 100% and you don't, you are cheating. You let yourself go, you stop your education and self-improvement, you take him or her for granted, you stop having sex, when before you fucked like rabbits. THAT, my friends, is as bad as cheating to me. Why is it as bad? Because when you marry, you promise to give the best of yourself to the person you love most.

Too many parters turn around and give their worst.

Too many women are hot rabbits outside of marriage, and after the kids are born, become cold fish. This is a "sin" as grave as any that I can think of.

You married a sexual being, ladies. Unless he was getting it every two months while you were dating and was satisfied with that, you have the obligation to take care of yourself so that you are a sexual being and you want to have a sexual relationship.

Your fat thighs are no excuse.
Your kids are no excuse.
Being too tired every night is no excuse.
Having a headache is, of course, no excuse.

Ah, but being mad is. So how many women conjure up arguments right before bed to get out of sex? Too fucking many.

Ladies, it isn't like your being asked to shovel shit, here. You get pleasure out of this, too. You feel closer, gain intimacy, burn some extra calories and sleep BETTER when you have sex.

But if we give it to them all the time, what power will we have, hmm?

That's right guys. I'm about to break the taboo right open. Women think like this. Sexual control =power. How do they make you give them foot rubs every night? Give you a little languorous kiss in the kitchen, a promising wink, a verbal cue that you're going to get some. Then what happens after that foot rub, that errand, that 'honey-do'?

"I feel fat."
"The kids are still awake."
"I'm tired."
"My head hurts."

or the ultimate--silent treatment mixed with a knowing "You know why I'm mad."

It's living a pretense to say you want to be in a sexual and loving partnership and then treat your partner or spouse like a yo-yo. It is unconscionable to deprive a virile, healthy man a sexual partnership when, going in, that's what you promised with your actions. It is WRONG WRONG WRONG to expect your partner to serve your needs and your needs alone, while you ignore theirs. And people have sexual needs. Those who ignore these needs are as guilty of their spouses seeking it elsewhere as the spouses themselves.

When a man and a woman get past that initial stage of infatuation and commit to each other, they aren't really committing to each other; they are committing to the relationship they have created. Guys, let me ask you. How well would it go over if, one day you said, "Honey, I don't wanna work any more. Yeah, I'm done. Tired, you know? Why don't you go out and work outside of the home and I'll stay home and hang out."

But, wait a minute, she'd protest, that isn't what I signed up for here! You had a nice car and we have a nice house and three kids and you can't just change the rules on me!!

Oh oh oh, but how many WOMEN do this to men, hm?

She has the prestige of the nice house on the hill, she has "ownership" of you, aka she holds the keys to her magic box and never lets you have any of them, she's got her kids, her coffee clatch, her happy little side job at a boutique, her lunches with friends, her PTA volunteer time....why in the WORLD would she need to be sexual?

It's a pretense of the worst kind. It takes WORK, ladies, to be sexual. But you promised you'd do the work when I said "I do". And would he have continued with the wedding if he knew that in a year, you'd be saying "I don't?" ever night?

Yet society eviscerates cheating as a horrible act, when in fact. many men and women do it to simply SAVE their marriage. If they compartmentalize it enough, they have a person filling their sexual needs, and then their wife or husband, whom they love and whom they want to be with forever. Convoluted? Maybe. But sex is too easily relegated to the back seat when in reality it was the driving force for your relationship in the first place.

We are human beings, We are sexual. We love, we need, we desire. To "Cheat" (yes I said it) our partners out of a basic relational need is heinous and wrong, and if your partner seeks it out on some other level, then don't look at them, look straight in the mirror and into your own eyes.

Love,

Vice